The Beautiful Science of DiCapriation (2025)

Tomorrow, Leonardo DiCaprio turns 43 years old. This is confusing, upsetting, and shocking to some people, but shouldn’t be, because Growing Pains came out 31 years ago. Yesterday, around 3 AM, The United States of America got a new President. This is confusing, upsetting, and shocking to some people, but shouldn’t be, because Democracy came out around the 5th Century (BC). Those two occurrences do not, on their surface, appear to be related, but they very much are.

Do you happen to know how Michael B. Jordan went from looking like a lanky, braided caterpillar to looking like a muscular, sexy butterfly?

Do you understand how Ryan Gosling went from looking like a tube of toothpaste with hair to looking like a smoldering, active volcano with six pack abs?

It’s called DiCapriation.

DiCapriation is a proven scientific law of handsomeness named after the man, Leonardo DiCaprio, who finally proved what was once thought to be nothing more than sub-scientific hearsay and speculation. DiCaprio is living, breathing evidence of a man’s tendency to follow a predetermined track of beauty. It proves that a man will become more handsome as he ages, reach a peak before middle age, fall off a cliff, and rebound impressively and more handsome than ever before. Previous test subjects include Johnny Depp, Ted Danson, and even Tom Selleck. DiCapriation shows a direct correlation between time on earth and overall handsomeness.

DiCapriation is not a phenomenon restricted to celebrities only. It applies to all males, myself included. As a tow-headed young child, I stumbled the line between cute and adorable like a late night drunk in a field sobriety test. I then went through my growing pains, spending most of my (very pale) teenage years looking like if Casper The Friendly Ghost got halfway through turning into Devon Sawa before stopping, looking at his half-self in the mirror, shrugging and saying, “Nah, I’m gonna stop right here.” Now as I head towards 30 years old, I do a serviceable impression of…well it’s basically like if Devon Sawa dressed as James Van Der Beek in Varsity Blues for Halloween. I believe my looks will improve slightly, then drop dramatically before I turn into a distinguished looking silver-fox. I don’t hope. I know. I know because DiCapriation exists.

Until recently, understanding DiCapriation had no other benefits in the scientific community or frankly, in any other community at all. If nothing else, it was just proof to the all the girls who were told that “they’d be sorry” for rejecting a young man would, in fact, be sorry. This is no longer the case. We (other members of the Handsome Science community) now understand that DiCapriation can teach us about the direction of the world. Remarkably, it appears as though DiCapriation applies not only to teenage boys, but to America. Yes, you’ve heard correctly. DiCaprio’s cheekbones work as a road map to the past, present, and future of The United States of America. Even more remarkably, Leonardo DiCaprio’s face and choices in movie roles are following on a perfect parallel to the historical path of the United States.

The Face: Leonardo “Growing Pains” DiCaprio-Not especially handsome, but potentially very handsome

Period of American History: 1776–1905

What Did DiCapriation Tell Us About America?

Growing Pains, indeed. Just as Leo was a fresh-faced newcomer with unlimited untapped potential, America was a brand-spanking new country with the potential to be a world superpower. We showed our merit in battle, winning the American Revolution. We then dealt with the brutality and ugliness of the Civil War. In our earliest years, we were a fractured nation with a future that might have been over before it began. We were the child-actor of countries. Would we become Christian Bale? Would we become Corey Feldman?

The Face: Leonardo “Titanic” DiCaprio-So handsome, so quickly. Unsure of what to do with himself, he’s so goddamn handsome.

Period of American History: 1906–1964

What Did DiCapriation Tell Us About America?

America persevered through those Growing Pains. We made small steps towards becoming a more complete nation. We finally gave women the right to vote. We invented the Model T. We were the heroes of both World War I and World War II. America was a box-office sensation. We were shaping up to be an incredibly profitable, crowd-pleasing nation. Unfortunately, much like the Titanic, we were still for the most part treating minorities and women very poorly. But we were still relatively young, exceedingly handsome, and barreling towards a promising future; but the ocean is not without icebergs, and DiCapriation is not without valleys.

The Face: Leonardo “Gangs of New York” DiCaprio-An almost subconscious effort to get as ugly as possible

Period of American History: 1965–1979

What Did DiCapriation Tell Us About America?

We got ugly. We got really ugly, really quickly. There was literally blood in the streets. Vietnam. Racially motivated school-busing incidents all over America. Disco. Saturday Night Fever. Massive civil rights violations. MLK was assisinated. 2,500 Domestic Bombings in just 18 months (1971–1972). Like DiCaprio with an ill-advised hat-mustache combo*, America was hideous looking. Unfortunately, this happens in DiCapriation. It gets better.

*The Science of Handsome tells us a hat-mustache combo is almost always ill-advised. You’ll never see an advised hat-mustache combo.

The Face: Leonardo “Inception” DiCaprio — Perfectly handsome

Period of American History: 1980–2005

What Does DiCapriation Tell Us About America?

We were handsome again, even charming. We beat the unstoppable Russians in the ’80 Olympics. We were creative. We got peak Eddie Murphy and Richard Pryor and Arnold Schwarzenegger. We seemed unstoppable. Like DiCaprio in Inception, we were handsome enough to move walls through sheer will, in this case, the one in Berlin. We were inventive. We had an internet boom. We were handsomely profitable. Our economy was better than ever. Things were good. We wanted more. We got greedy. Very greedy.

The Face: Leonardo “Wolf of Wall Street” DiCaprio — Too handsome. Greedily handsome. Disgustingly handsome.

Period of American History: 2006–2007

What Did DiCapriation Tell Us About America?

America was so handsome that it felt like it could do anything. For a while, we did. We took and we took and we took. We gave and we gave and we gave. We (literally) wrote checks our mouth couldn’t cash. The housing market folded. The economy collapsed. This is the scariest moment of DiCapriation. One moment you are the most handsome guy on Earth. Then the bottom falls out. Then it falls out again, revealing a deeper, darker bottom you never knew existed.

The Face: Leonardo “Django Unchained” DiCaprio-Ugly. Ugly and racist, frankly.

Period of American History: 2008–2015

What Did DiCapriation Tell Us About America?

We begin our slow slide to our base ugly point. For a million reasons, most of which somehow tied to a previous period of our history, America gets uglier. Political parties feud with an intensity not seen since our “Growing Pains” years. Like a man heading towards 40, America gets older, we get cynical, we stop caring as much as we used to. America’s teeth begin to yellow. It all leads to this.

The Face: Leonardo “The Revenant” DiCaprio — Lost in Ugliness

Period of American History: Now

What Does DiCapriation Tell Us About America?

Here we are. Scared. Alone. Deep in a set of woods we don’t understand. We, as a nation, are confused as to how we got this ugly. It seems not long ago we were “The King of the World.” Look at us now. Fighting intensely amongst ourselves. Extraordinarily angry. Beaten, dirty, following a path that may lead to our very ruination. It all seems impossibly helpless. It is not. This is the way of the world. This is the beauty of DiCapriation. Look at this graph again.

Look where we are headed. Like DiCaprio, we will have a shave and a shower. We will get out of the woods. We will be handsome again. It will be a struggle, but a struggle worth fighting. Do you remember where Leo ended up when he finally got out of those woods and into a spa?

We just have to stick together. Keep moving. Things will clear up. They always do. It’s science.